First38

As I got hone my mom was there. Which was odd. We was told our chores and we got to work. Report cards has come out. I got all C’s and D’s. Of course I got in trouble and got whooped. But they never understood why. At this point I didn’t care about life and I was destined to prove that. My mom left for class Rochelle was across the street and everyone was outside. I sat in my room looking out the window. My father pulled up and can I. His room. Dominique!! I went into the room. Help daddy relax. As I stood there he took his clothes off. Come here. I did as I was told. Get down I was on my knees he took a scarf and tied it around my hands. Open your mouth and bony bite down. I did then he placed something thick and salty in my mouth. I felt horrified. He pulled it out. I’m gonna do it again stay still. I stayed still he did it several times more. He put his clothes on and took the scarf off. I stood up “don’t tell no one” because you belong to me. No one will believe you. I’m gonna be the first for everything. You understand!!! Yes and I walked out the room. At this time I never knew what it was in my mouth but I felt badly. I went to get my snack and it was gone. Donnie has said he ate it. I told him to give me my food he refused. Instead he hit me and laughed. I just went to my room. Hungry confused and upset was all the feelings I felt at one time. My dad let us outside I rand down to the creek behind the house and sat there crying. Asking God why can’t they take me away. I started to walk the railroad tracks alone when I seen the street lights coming on I ran back home in the house. My mom was waiting at the door……

First 38

I get dried off and go to my room. I look outside and see Donnie and Noah talking and pointing at my window. I hide.. I sit on the bed reading and Lidia comes in. Gives me a letter from Noah. It just said hello. I laughed and hid the note. I learned happiness don’t last always. My mom pulled up I sat on the edge of the bed. She came in the house. Dominique come help with the groceries. I left the room. As I was coming in “Who played in the bleach?” I said not me I was in my room all day. It had to be you Donnie and Lidia was outside! I knew it was no use to say anything as Donnie was smiling. I realized that’s what he threw on me. I just kept bringing the bags in the house. Go to your room for the night. But I didn’t do it. You talking back? No and I left. After she cooked they ate then I came out to eat. It wasn’t much left but I made do. And went to bed. The next day I got up for school I stayed getting laughed at on the bus. Either for my clothes or just not talking to them. But I always protected my sister and lil brother. School was my sanctuary I would go see Mrs Williams every morning and just sit in her classroom. It was like she knew I just needed peace and quiet. We would have super donuts every morning because she knew I wouldn’t eat at the school. After school I would walk home sometimes because I was just tired of everything. Tired of life. I would make it home a few minutes before the bus so I would sit at the vacant neighbors house till I would see everyone get off the bus I would blend in. I wish I would have known that this was my ending……

First 38

As I sit in my room I always asked myself why. Why was I brought here. What did I do to deserve this. My mom left with little Harvey and Rochelle to go to the store. My dad sent Donnie and Lidia outside. “Dominique” as I got up I went to the hall I was pushed back into the room. Stand behind the door! I did as I was told. Get on your knees! I did. “Now I’m gonna be your first everything you understand. No one gonna want you but me. You will never be like any other people you are nothing you understand. Since I was used to hearing thus from both parents I just agreed. I stayed on my knees for a long time till they was hurting really bad. As he sat on my bed looking at me felt like trash. My brother came in the house for water and went back outside. Stand up I tried but fell on the floor I was in pain. I finally got up. “Come here” when I got to him he started rubbing my legs then my thighs. ” I’m the only one that can touch you understand. I nodded. Turn around! I did he then rubbing my butt and between my thighs. This is off limits. I nodded again. Go take a bath now. I did just that. As I sat in the tub I felt bad. Wondering how I can take myself out. I got out the tub as I was drying off the door opens…. I got a cup of ice water thrown on me. “Donnie” why he laughed………

First 38

I always knew that suicide was wrong. Even though I didn’t fully understand the Bible I knew that was not the thing to do. I cried silently and finished up what I was doing. I went and sat in the bathroom. I felt like the worst person on earth. My nose hurt and my arm was hurting from the burns. I never said anything because no one would believe me anyway. I left the bathroom and attempted to go to the closet and sit like I was supposed to. In the complete darkness. But when I came out the bathroom I got beaten. I didn’t know why but I did. Why did you sneak my cookies? I answered I didn’t. I hit beat again. I often asked myself why do I even reply. It doesn’t matter. Afterwards I went to my room. I sat up in the corner of the bunk bed and just talked to myself. I cried a lot silently. I was up all night. The next day it was time for school. As I got dressed I my mom asked what happened to my nose. I couldn’t tell her. I stain the bunk Ed bar hit my nose. We got on the bus and school was my sanctuary. At lunch I would meet Noah outside and we would sit and talk. And eat together he was so nice. When we got home Lidia told that I was talking to boys in school. That was a bad thing. I got called in the living room by Harvey. How was school? It was ok. Who did you talk to? Nobody. I stood there quietly. ” I told you that no one will want you right! Yes. You don’t talk to boys understand. Yes I went to my room. …..

First 38

He made it up the hallway. What’s going on? Did you know Dominique been talking to Noah at her window? She asked. What!!!! Now why would you do that Dominique? I don’t know. So you think you can talk to people with out my permission? I replied “no” I got beaten by him next. They went in the room I just stood there scared to move. Lidia, Donnie, Rochelle,and Henry lll just looked and went outside. My aunt Freya came with Vicky and Kayla. I went in my room. I don’t like them. Freya brought hand me downs. I always wanted the new stuff but wasn’t fortunate. My mom and Freya left so did Rochelle. I get a know on my door. I open it and got pushed inside. “Get on your knees” I did as I was told. He put a scarf on my eyes. I couldn’t see anything. “I’m gonna be your first everything. I felt something keep slapping my face. It felt hot. “Open your mouth.”it was the worst thing to ever taste. You gonna learn how to do this the right way. That’s all you will be good for… He let me get up. “You tell nothing. Donnie!!!! Henry came back. You need to go eat Donnie. I went to the kitchen Donnie was in there. Laughing at me. As usual. You Ugly and I ate all the sandwiches. He was playing with a fork on the stove. I froze really bad. He walked over to me with the hot fork. It was red hot and he put it across my nose twice creating a x on my face. I winced in pain. He laughed. Nobody wants you. And your hairy just kill yourself…..

First 38

Dominique come here!!!!! I got up and went to my mother and father’s room. I just heard my mom leave for the store. Yes I said. Come here. I walked slowly in the room. He grabbed me. “You almost ready” go make me a sandwich. I ran out the room. When I brought it back o went back to my room. Tap tap tap. I kept hearing those taps on my window. I locked my room door and ran to the window. My only friend Noah was outside. He would s as sways talk to me for a while. Then he would leave. He lived in the back of the projects. We had the biggest house in the projects. We was well known. I sat in my room reading my letter Noah slid in my window. He always said nice things. Dominique come here. I got up and went in my dads room. Look at me! I looked he was standing naked. Look at this he pointed to his penis. I backed up and ran to my room. Then I heard the car pull up. My mom and them was getting out the car he closed his door. I couldn’t get past what happened. The neighbor across the street came and told my mom something as I look out side they was pointing at my window. I sat on the bed and just waited. Thelma came rushing in the house!!! Dominique bring your ass here. I went to the living room. Who was at your window. And before you lie I already know. Noah I answered. Why? Because he was seeing if I can come outside I replied. She got the belt and I got beaten. Nobody will ever want you. You will always be good for nothing. HENRY!!!! He came walking up the hall. I knew it was all over…..

First 38

Life what is the meaning. I always wondered why was I here? So that night I was laying in the bed. “Dominique”!!! I got up and ran in the living room. You need to get this house cleaned up. If I find anything wrong I’m gonna beat your ass. You will never be good for anything but on your back. I better not even see you eating anything. I held my head down as she spoke. I looked up my dad was smiling at me. I felt like death. How would I know what death felt like at 7yrs old. I knew all to well what this was gonna end up as. I pulled the stool to the sink and started the water for the dishes. My brother kicked me in my leg. I fell to the floor he laughed and ran off. They had a good dinner as I tried to sneak me some leftovers he knocked it out my hand and told on me. I had to eat that food off the floor. But hey at least it was food. As I was washing dishes I hdd Ed ld a knife in my hands and started thinking of ways to take myself out. But I cleaned and cleaned. I’ll never forget tonight because it was the start of my downfall. I went to drink my kool aid it was grape. It tasted a little bit funny. But I drunk all of it very fast because I wasn’t supposed to be drinking anything. When I was done with everything they all was sleep. I felt so bad I started vomiting uncontrollably. Rochelle came out to help me. We got cleaned up and I later down. I woke up to screaming and Thelma asked me what happened to all the dish detergent I didn’t know. I got a beating for it. Afterwards Donnie said “how was your juice last night. ” I knew then what happened. As they went outside I went back to my room and just cried… just cried…..